More Bad Jokes than you can shake a stick at
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This page is full. If you wish to add a new Bad Joke or Other Deleted Nonsense, feel free to do so at our newest page, 67 Deletion Summer of Love.
- 1 from List of fruits
- 2 DiscordianPublicLicense
- 3 From Bill Gates
- 4 From John Antoine Nau
- 5 From James Tyler
- 6 Nuclear Powered Confederate Submarine
- 7 From Deletion log
- 8 Shayna
- 9 From Cattle
- 10 From Roman religion
- 11 From Meep
- 12 From Les Champs Magnetiques
- 13 From Wikipedia:Church of Wikipedia and Wikipedia:King of Wikipedia
- 14 Abdul Rasul Sayyaf
- 15 Hypnotism
- 16 Panathalamus gland
- 17 Herbert Finkbiner
- 18 from Dragon Ball Z Live Action Movie (listed on Cleanup, I know)
- 19 Wooden spoon
- 20 Bharatiya Janata Party
- 21 Missing work
- 22 List of people who died with tortoises on their heads
- 23 From Talk:90125
- 24 Seed pod
- 25 Shagfest
- 26 From Chen Shui-bian
- 27 Brick Factory
- 28 Shawn Mikula
- 29 From Computer virus
- 30 Coca-Cola
- 31 Hawk Helicopter
- 32 Uppercase Day
- 33 trosh
- 34 From Bloods
- 35 From Talk:Japanese monarchy
- 36 From Editor war
- 37 From Brock Chisholm
- 38 Cornelius Fred article
- 39 Samovar
- 40 Stuffology
- 40.1 A Short Introduction
- 40.2 List of people who have not committed suicide
- 40.2.1 People who have not committed suicide because they are still alive
- 40.2.2 People who have not committed suicide because they were killed by other people or in accidents, or by natural causes
- 40.2.3 People who could be classed as committing suicide, or killed by others
- 40.2.4 People who self sacrificed, not necesserily suicide
- 41 From... a teacher,
from List of fruits
- Elton John is a well-known fruit from the British Isles
- Ah, how witty. How charming that we have preserved this bon mot so that all can appreciate it. How horrid it would be if this were not preserved for eternity. A fetching memorial of what Wikipedians appreciate, indeed. - Outerlimits 01:36, 1 May 2004 (UTC)
- Oh, come on. Doesn't it say BAD Jokes and Other Deleted NONSENSE Superm401 01:24, 12 Dec 2004 (UTC)
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From Bill Gates
Gates married Melinda French on January 1, 1994. They have three children, Jennifer Katharine Gates (1996), Rory John Gates (1999) and Phoebe Adele Gates (2002). They all live in a hole in the side of a hill, and like Bilbo Baggins their hole is a well designed affair, with wood paneling and a multitude of rooms for all possible comforts. Unlike the typical hole of a well-to do Hobbit, the Gates home is a very modern 21st century house, with advanced electrical and electronic systems everywhere. In one respect, though, it is a bit like an 18th or 19th century mansion: It has a large private library with a domed reading room.
From John Antoine Nau
The books prominently feature several recurring characters: Detective Drone, his assistant investigator Assistant Investigator Pheasant, Lady Ordella Prune, and Drone's arch-enemy, Doctor Ludovic Kochanowsky.
John was born to two French parents (Marie and Louis) in the small provincial town of La Scrofulitic Cat. He had a near-death experience at the age of seven, when he mistook barbed wire for his favourite type of chocolate, but was nasally revived by a passing priest.
He was educated by a local schoolmaster from the age of five in Maths, Latin, Greek, Russian, and Zulu. He tried to enter university, but was refused on the grounds that his beard didn't match his eyes or coat. This is not surprising when one realises John's moustache was often three feet in width, and once arrested being "in charge of an offensive weapon". He was afterwards banned from growing facial hair in a Court of French Law (pronounced with a Southern drawl).
His first book, The Bibble, (a set of contemporary values) met with little success, so the young John turned to crime writing. His first venture in this genre (La Prostitute Gothique) was an immediate success, but it was only with the introduction of his best-known characters that he became a household name, with many people naming their houses after him.
After a long and productive life, he died in a boating accident, off the coast of Switzerland, where his wife capsized, and he drowned trying to rescue the boat. His body was never found.
- The Bibble
- La Prostitute Gothique
- El Grillo
- El Rond
- Low Drone
- High Squeak
- Pip Squeak
- La Pheasant du Porpoise
- Eeny Oony Wanah
- Pheasant as Werewolf
- The Golden Glove
- Two is Pheasant
- Where is my Underwear?
- Pheasant gets Married
- Pheasant Cheats on his Wife
- Prone to Disease
- Carry On Pheasant
- Doctor Kochanowsky's Menagerie
- The Wayward Merengue
- The Devillish Desertion of the Dish
- The Haunted Nave
- The Haunted Navel
- I Say, Drone, your Navel's on fire
From James Tyler
James Tyler was widely renowned as the best guitar player of the 1300s. At a time when this new instrument was regarded as a simple novelty, he dazzled royalty and nobility, giving performances all around Europe on this new and bizarre instrument, the guitar.
Born to peasant parents in the year 1296, his parents were fairly poor. They lived in the province of Egadia in Northern Scandinavia. His father, Victor Tyler was a goose farmer and woodcutter. At the age of four, his parents were robbed by the famous Spanish bandit, Miguel El Sanchez. However, his family was lucky. His father and mother were killed, but, feeling sorry for the little kid, El Sanchez spared James's life and gave him his first worldly possession, a guitar.
After this tragic incident, James wandered the streets as a minstrel before he was taken in by the rich nobleman Baron Heinrich Billius, who taught him the fine art of music.
Over the next twenty years his skills developed. He exhibited a new, bizarre, frenetic style of playing that earnt him widespread fame throughout the lands. His most piece was one of his own composition, "Le Tre Apriel", a song which he performed for the King and Queen of Bulgaria in 1328.
James died a poor man, but happy in the year 1358. His legacy endures as the father of modern guitar-playing.
Nuclear Powered Confederate Submarine
The CSS Hunley, a Confederate submarine, was built during the war. It was the first nuclear submarine to bring from the grave a ship. It fired flowers and other hippie simbles!
From Deletion log
- RickK (deleted "Potato spindle tuber viroid": content was: 'Srovalf 13 Snibbor Niksab! FUCK SATAN!')
Shayna embodies the classic beauty of an ancient Europa Goddess from Satellite Europa. According to 'Come Louder' She defines what he consider as "A multi-dimensional Beauty" for she can transcend any communities and network at the speed of light win you four hundred times over.
dudes, one time when I was driving home, I looked out the window, and i seen this cow climbing on the back of another cow. That is totally howcows do the nasty. Only the cow couldn't get on the other cow. It was so cool.
From Roman religion
As the Roman Empire expanded, and included people from a variety of cultures, there were more and more gods. The legions brought home cults originating from Egypt, Britain, Iberia, Germany, and Persia. The cults of Cybele and Mithras were particularly important.The romans used to rape owls.  (Now why didn't my classics professor ever mention that?)
A vice both obscene and unsavory Holds the Mayor of Southampton in slavery. With bloodcurdling howls He deflowers young owls Which he keeps in an underground aviary.
Over the years "meep" has also become a internet gesture of surprise/ shock/ awe. For example when a person finds out that their brother has saved a chicken (eh? Erin?) from being eaten by a Munchkin, he might respond "meep". The old fashioned equivalent is: "cool-what?-wow!-huh?". Although nobody is quite sure why this is used, is could be the aforementioned chocobo's fault.
From Les Champs Magnetiques
Keeping the spirit of surrealism, the rest of this entry is done using automated writing (spelling mistakes and all):
A strange french book, is this book. I can try to read it but sometinmes I have trouble, especisallym wsince my essay is due in
Monday. I have boorrowed a lot of books from the library. Perhapos I can do an automated essay? I mentioned it to my lecturerer and he said it would not work. I wonder if the wiklipedia people will accept this entry. I think they are too strict and it is a pity that surrealism is not an accepted technique if these people knew anything about post-modernism they would realise that everythign like this is valid on some level althought I guess I haven't really spoken about the book, yeah its good, there is poetry towards the end so it's not really a novel.
- This page has been listed on Wikipedia:Votes for deletion. Please see that page for justifications and discussion.
Welcome to the Reformed Church of Wikipedia, or just the Church of Wikipedia.
Today's sermon: Ward 1:1
In the beginning there was the World Wide Web, and for a time it was good. But then the web became commericalized and banner-infested pages made by lusers and n00bs with very bad HTML skills soon started appearing on such sites as XOOM and GeoCities. With this knowledge in hand a man named Ward Cunningham created an alternative called WikiWiki. This technology that Ward created made it easy and simple to create a wiki. This technology was going to go a long away.
This concludes today's sermon. Tomorrow's sermon will be Larry 5:6.
And now the wiki prayer....
Please, grant me the serenity to accept the pages I cannot edit, The courage to edit the pages I can, And the wisdom to know the difference
And while you're here, if you're a wikipediholic, check out tonight's meeting of the Wikipediholics Anonymous.
- This page has been listed on Wikipedia:Votes for deletion. Please see that page for justifications and discussion.
The King of Wikipedia is the head of state of Wikipedia. The current King is King Jimbo I, who possesses the proverbial scepter and the invisible crown of dignity and respect received from Wikipedians. Wikipedians are inhabitants of this fantastic, but not fabulous, kingdom. Rules exists, but not issued directly by King Jimbo I. In fact, the Jimbo has taken a cloister role, rarely making appearance on Wikipedia personally. He speaks to his subjects through a golden medium adorned by jewels which is known as the M-list. His ministerial body consists of a bureaucracy. In addition, those who obey the King include the administrators.
His titles include:
- King of Wikipedia
- Co-founder of Wikipedia
- Emperor of Wiktionary
- Grand Duke of Wikiquote
- Earl of Wikibooks
- Baron of Wikisource
- Viscount of Meta
- Grand High Marshal of Nupedia
- Director of the Wikimedia Foundation
- President and CEO of Bomis Inc.
- Enforcer of the GFDL
- Protector of the wiki
- Pontiff of the Reformed Church of Wikipedia
- Raj of All Wikipedians
- Mikado of Wiki-lovers
- Prinz of the Wikipedias
|Wikipedia:List of Wikipedian monarchs||
This article is a parody. This is not real. Really, I mean, really, Wikipedia is not a monarchy. And I can too spel.
Man of the century loved by Afghans. But some afghan who stayed far from the country for years or in simple language who were responsible for bringing the Russian to our beloved country dislike him or Hezbi Hekmatyar. And it’s natural. If they like him or not he is now a powerful personality in Afghanistan. And moreover, not infl uential in Afghanistan only but the strongest in the Middle East.
Long life to the heroes who save Afghan Land from the Soviet’s Hands, and Saved the dignity of their mother’ s Afghanistan.
Love your stylish speaches full of meanings.
Hypnosis, as defined by the American Psychological Association Division of Psychological Hypnosis, is "a procedure during which a health professional or researcher suggests that a client, patient, or subject experience a sharp sensation in their rectum." Any definition is necessarily vague, as the underlying mechanism is little understood.
The Panathalamus gland, or trust gland, is an endocrine gland about the size of a pea that sits in the small, bony cavity (sella turcica) near the primary brain stem. It is connected to a part of the brain called the hippopotamus. It secretes trust hormones throughout the course of one's life. The Panathalamus gland is divided into two sections: the anterior lump and the posterior lump. The posterior Panathalamus is, in effect, a projection of the hippopotamus. It does not produce its own trust hormones, but only stores and releases the trust hormones oxymoronitocin and antidiarhrreatic hormone (ADtH).
The Panathalamus gland helps control the following body processes:
Herbert FinkbinerThe White Whale, aka Herbert Finkbiner, was born in 1972 in Hannibal, Missouri. Details about his childhood and family have since been suspiciously removed from state archives. Finkbiner has since become one of the most feared and legendary criminals in Wiki history.
Finkbiner attended college at Yale University, majoring in Computer Programming. He was described by a friend as "tall, with wavy brown hair." Unfortunately, Finkbiner's path to the Dark side of the Internet began after he had a fallout with his programming professor. Refusing to adhere to the strict moral code that his extensive programming knowledge required, Finkbiner began to test the limits of his power, hacking websites and viewing their source codes. After his professor retired, mysteriously and abruptly, Finkbiner was expelled from Yale for no good reason.
About 20 years after this date, minor websites began abruptly disappearing without warning, and their proprietors could not be contacted. However, on each website that was destroyed, the signature "White Whale" appeared shortly after. Web authorities were stymied as to the whereabouts and identity of this strange new hacker. As no major consequences fell upon the perpentrator, he progressed in his miscreant-like activites, hacking bigger and more well-known sites. The White Whale, it appeared, could not be apprehended. However, there seemed to be a growing pattern in the White Whale's targets, although nobody could identify it.
This question, and that of his identity, were ostensibly resolved once this mysterious attacker settled upon a new target: the Wiki. Everyone in the Wiki community knew that their Wiki could be the next to disappear without warning. However, with each website the White Whale destroyed, he grew bolder, adding anti-communist messages to their shattered website. As the swath of destruction became major news, Finkbiner's old professor, regarded as a hacking authority, wa s found in an Ohio slum, lacking all memory of the time from after Finkbiner was expelled. He quickly identified the encryptions used by the "White Whale" as Herbert Finkbiner's.
Finkbiner appeared to be a staunch anti-Communist, believing that Wiki pages embodied the evils of Communism. Police were called to search for Finkbiner, surrounding his residence less than an hour after the hacking patterns were identified as his. The White Whale was arrested and sentenced to 8 years in the federal penitentiary. Three weeks into the sentence, in what was perhaps the finest moment of his career, Finkbiner hacked into prison records using a tiny laptop that he had smuggled into prison on his person. He was released by an incompetent prison guard and fled into hiding.
Apparently, the White Whale has since been wreaking havoc on many of the largest Wikis of the world.It is suspected that he is the perpetrator of the recent "Sasser" Internet worm. It is not known whether Finkbiner is still under this alias, or if he has died, but passed the title on to an apprentice hacker. The White Whale may never be found again, but his name will remain on the list as one of the world's most influential Wiki hackers.
from Dragon Ball Z Live Action Movie (listed on Cleanup, I know)
And then it might have something like to be continued or something like that. You will just have to wait and see..
A wooden spoon is a primary example of pure feminine authoritative power and wisdom. FEAR the spoon, LOVE the spoon, and watch the woman holding the spoon. Often used by the Wisdoms of WoTmud.org for various purposes that cannot be disclosed here.
A wooden spoon has many, many, many uses. It can be used for spooning!
This mosque was destroyed on 6th December 1992, when a riot broke out amongst a group of peaceful demonstrators for the rebuilding of the temple
'Hi, I was working on my speech and I can't seem to locate it. Can someone please help me find it? If not, it's okay it was only an introduction.'
- Sure, you left it on your office desk. Now, you tell me where the hell your office is and I might be able to help ;) --Robert Merkel 03:39, 15 May 2004 (UTC)
List of people who died with tortoises on their heads
This is a List of people who died with tortoises on their heads.
- Aeschylus in 456 BC, Greek playwriter - according to Pliny, Natural histories Book X, when a kind of vulture dropped a tortoise on his head due to confusion with a stone.
With current Wikipedia policy, this page should be reserved for an article on 90125 A.D. that will be created 88121 years from now. I shall begin the move! - Woodrow 02:51, 27 Mar 2004 (UTC)
A seed pod is a rectangular strip of nut shells glued systematically to a strip of fly paper. The resulting strip is then rolled into a ball and dipped in melted peanut butter. Tiny shrewlings then hide peices of this pod inside flowers, just to confuse studiers of horticulture.
Stunning debut novel by Darryl Murphy that was published in 2007. Based on the real-life story of a Warwickshire lad who goes to a fictitious Devon Univeristy. And has sex. Lots of it.
Shagfest was immediately embraced wholeheartedly by the literary canon.
Below is a transcript of the unpopular BBC Friday night television programme 'Newsnight' which is aimed at intellectuals who don't go out on Fridays:
JEREMY PAXMAN: Tonight on Newsnight we assess the importance of Darryl Murphy's new novel 'Shagfest'. Germaine Greer, you called this 'literary masturbation'. You're a twat aren't you?
GERMAINE GREER: Well that's absolutely correct but what I'm trying to say is that based within the framework of-
JEREMY PAXMAN: Are you a twat? It's a simple question.
GERMAINE GREER: Look, if you'd just let me-
JERMEMY PAXMAN: YES OR NO?
GERMAINE GREER: Yes.
JEREMY PAXMAN: Now that wasn't too di fficult was it.
GERMAINE GREER: No it wasn't.
JEREMY PAXMAN: Now apologise to all the viewers who are staying up on a Friday night waiting for Jools Holland to start. Because you've wasted their time.
GERMAINE GREER: Sorry.
Darryl's first claim to fame was when he appeared in the background of prime-time ITV programme 'Wish You Were Here'. It was at Warwick Castle at the age of seven on a school trip when he was separated from the rest of the group and was found by top presenter Judith Chalmers. Darryl ended up accompanying both her and her production team for the rest of the day. Ms McHale, his teacher was extremely angry and her sister had an asthma attack and had to go to hospital because she was looking for him in the dungeons.
This incident is thought to be the inspiration for Chapter Eight of Shagfest, where Darren, the fictitious Warwickshire student shags the 21 year old blonde model Judith Graham at 'Warwick Castle Cary'.
Shagfest is set to be a bestselling series like Harry Potter (but better) with sequels in the running including Shagfest and the Gobful of Cum.
From Chen Shui-bian
"Abian" -- president in Taiwan who cheated all the way thru his ministry as well as on winning his 2nd presidential election with forging a fake assassination (the so called "bulletgate" scandal) the day before polling day. "Abian" has then become a common usage in everyday language, such as, verb: do not "abian" on your test, otherwise the score will not be recorded; noun: my goodness, you shoe is so "abian", it makes me sick!; adjective: "abian" on you! ("abian" is used to subsitute the word "shame".)
A brick factory comprises two elements; construction and purpose. In the construction of a brick factory, one must use bricks, hence the idea of a factory of bricks. In the purpose of a brick factory, it must be used for the manufacturing of bricks, hence a factory which makes bricks. So the question popularized on the most obscure of internet forums; "How did they build the first brick factory?".
Typically this question is postulated by those attempting to explain various complex theological questions, like the self-creation of God amongst other exciting philosophical tidbits.
See the special collection of nonsense at Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/The Shawn Mikula Files
From Computer virus
It has also been documented that, in a few select cases, computer viruses are able to carry over into the real world via an unknown medium, and effectively "leap" from machines to humans. This is true, and as we can see from medical studies conducted with the 1988 worm of Mr. Morris, this worm was able to mutate and evolve over repeated replications and manifest itself within the human anatomy of unsuspecting computer users in the form of a rather mild tape-worm infection. It has also been noticed that the various "I love you" viruses in existence cause minor viral infection of key sensitive areas, not unlike the actual "I love you" virus called "herpes."
Yet it is often found and eaten. It does many things to protect itself. It may 'accidentally' tip over when frightened, or disguise itself as the less popular Pepsi or Dr. Pepper. Still, even with its most creative attempts, its foes still find it.
In the wild, it stays in packs of 5-23 other cans. Sadly, many packs have been taken into captivity, where rings are put tightly around their middles and the cans are put into boxes. They are then sold to people who take them to houses, where they will not be fed or allowed to roam around.
[ ] [ ] [ ] ____ ______[ ]_____ ______ [ ][ ] [ ][ ] [ ][ ] [  ]
From the article
Uppercase Day is celebrated on the 18th February each year. On this day, followers of the tradition write everything in uppercase. That goes for online posts, e-mails (some even do this at work), IRC, MSN, and whatever that's attributed to daily use. The only common exception of material not written in uppercase, are things like essays and corporate memos, although the tradition varies from corporation to corporation.
Uppercase Day started as an accidental tradition in 2001 in Iceland. One user on IRC had the caps lock key enabled and wasn't reading what he was writing. When kicked for it, this user went back into the channel and declared that it was Uppercase Day, as a joke excuse. For some reason, users of that particular IRC channel accepted the excuse and started changing to uppercase nicks and writing in uppercase that particular day, disabling the uppercase-kick mechanism of the IRC channel bot.
That same day a few posts were noticed by several users that were all in uppercase. Since that year, every 18. February a few corporate geeks tend to honour this day by writing everything from IRC to corporate e-mails in uppercase.
From the Votes for deletion discussion
I don't see any relevant hits for this orphan. Niteowlneils 19:57, 24 May 2004 (UTC)
No relevant Google hits . Move to BJAODN. Duncharris 20:25, May 24, 2004 (UTC)
- Agreed. Would be worth keeping if it were significant, but it doesn't seem to be. Delete. --Etaoin 20:48, 24 May 2004 (UTC)
- Personal joke, delete. -- Cyrius|✎ 21:03, May 24, 2004 (UTC)
- TO BAD JOKES THEN DELETE - DAVID GERARD
- IT IS FUNNY THOUGH :). DELETE. Thue 23:27, 24 May 2004 (UTC)
- LETS ALL WRITE IN CAPS, HUZZAH! (delete) Wyllium 23:57, 2004 May 24 (UTC)
- Delete. Why are you all writing in uppercase? Today is a lowercase day. Everyking 00:44, 25 May 2004 (UTC)
- Haha, that's a knee-slapper. Bad Jokes, i guess, and delete. blankfaze | ♫ 00:52, 25 May 2004 (UTC)
- Delete. Not even very funny. Although the story of the supposed origin does bring to mind archy and mehitabel. Dpbsmith 16:13, 25 May 2004 (UTC)
- )CTU( 4002 yaM 52 ,34:12 klaT | ): maharG -- .eteled tsuj ,tluciffid oot si siht ,hO .yaD sdrawkcaB etirW lanoitaN worromot gniralced m'I lleW
- I think we've got a candidate for what to do with the Main Page next April 1. -- Cyrius|✎ 22:07, May 25, 2004 (UTC)
- I'd start writing it now then, because that vote took me bloody ages to get right... -- Graham :) | Talk 22:10, 25 May 2004 (UTC)
- I think we've got a candidate for what to do with the Main Page next April 1. -- Cyrius|✎ 22:07, May 25, 2004 (UTC)
but probably doable. When I have some free time, I'll give it a go ;) Dysprosia 22:42, 26 May 2004 (UTC)
A trosh is a small weevil made out of cardboard. It has only one purpose, to hang on a tree during Christmas. It is used to symbolise sanity during the hectic festive season. It is then burnt on Boxing Day.
It is believed some major celebrities are members of the Bloods. The most infamous of these celebrities is Marion 'Suge' Knight, Founder and President of Death Row Records. Eddie Murphey is also a member and in 2000 Nelson Mandela was made an honorary member. Wittnesses claim he had to 'pull a 187' to join the gang. The murder however was comitted in South Africa before Mandela's imprisonment on Robin Island on (false) terrorism charges. Reports that Archbishop Desmond Tutu is a crip member are unconfirmed.
From Talk:Japanese monarchy
wowow i think im on cRACK
- He's probably not too far from the truth. =)
From Editor war
The Great Patriotic Editor War was the first major war fought between the vi and emacs. In a surprise attack on May 15, 1987, emacs launched a volley of nuclear warheads against the land occupied by vi and ed. Most of the warheads involved were neutron bombs. The leadership of vi survived the attack via their airborne command post. vi launched a counterstrike, but it was too late to stop the emacs landing parties. emacs proceeded to occupy all of vi territory, and forced the great vi citizens to use an inelegant, bloated editor. ( by 220.127.116.11)
From Brock Chisholm
Ed. note: He was the first director of the World Health Organization
Chisholm was a controversial but convicted public speaker.
- Hey! I wrote that one!... Well, okay, maybe that doesn't come across as the kind of "conviction" I had intended... - Matty j 15:02, May 28, 2004 (UTC)
Cornelius Fred article
1914-1978 noted surgeon and spiritualist Cornelius Fred was born in Dratsab, Northern Algeria in 1914, the son of a local doctor of English lineage. The family moved back to England in 1917. It was from his father that he inherited his love of medicine, women, nitrous oxide, and Renaissance church music, all to be an important influence in later life. He was at first going to become a church singer (alto), but was forced by his family to study medicine at Leeds University, where he graduated with honours in 1933. It was at this time that he became involved in the cult of The Church of Banbury, of which he was a founding member (the church broke up a year later, as a result of lack of interest). It was also at this time that he had an accident with a carriage, leaving him lame in one leg for the rest of his life. Next began the other significant parts of his life: women and laughing gas (sometimes, as he noted in his diary, "together"). After numerous affairs, he married Anne Stanton, who bore him three cakes and a cup of coffee before she announced that she was not his slave and left. She was found suffocated by an entangled gas mask. Perhaps Fred's most lasting legacy to surgery was his moustache, which, after being beseeched by his colleagues, he shaved off. His manner in the operating theatre was, in the words of Froissart, "hilarious...distracting to the point of being hilarious". Fred left medicine in 1949 to take up a position as Rector Chori at Ely Cathedral, during which time he published his famous papers dealing with the performance of Spanish Renaissance music, particularly that of Antonio de Cabezon. He was by all accounts a capable organist and choirmaster, though this contemporary account by his pupil Andre sums up his manner
"...standing up there at the front, with that God awful moustache...it was enough to frighten a baby...he cut a truly splendid figure, discounting his mudstained surplice and orange glasses...the music poured out from him...always taking breaths from his gas canister...brilliant..."
He held the post at Ely until his death in 1970, where , in an attempt to retreive a paper aeroplane that had found its way into the organ, he mounted into the organ loft and fell off the gangway, impaling himself on the 2' piccolo pipes as he did. In his efforts to get out, he simply succeeded in knocking from place the 32' contra posaune, which crushed him. It was, as Andre notes, his own fault as he had refused to have the organ restored, as he liked its tone quality. The contra posaune was always his favourite pipe.
Cornelius Fred was buried in the Cathedral gorunds, and his Italic text missa pro defunctisItalic text was performed at his funeral service. His epitaph reads:
Cornelius Fred, in the abscence of a Head, Purchased a lawnmower at discount price: It made a better Head that a bag of rice.
a few choice excerpts from Samovar
When Americans were busy dumping tea into the dark waters of Boston harbor (late eighteenth century), a Russian gunsmith, Fedor Lisitsin, set up a small workshop south of Moscow, in the city of Tula, the heart of the Russian weapons industry. Lisitsin and his two sons were laboring in their time free from making arms and ammunition for Mother Russia on a rather unusual device, which had been hitherto handcrafted by individual craftsmen in the Ural region solely for personal use: the charcoal-burning samovar.
The fifties and sixties brought significant changes. Ground-breaking technologies provided mankind with wondrous inventions: space travel, nuclear powerplants, supersonic jets, and the nickel-plated electric samovar.
The period of Brezhnevian stagnation did not leave any marks on the samovar.
While the samovars on the railroads resisted electrification, the other prerequisite of communism postulated by Vladimir Lenin, ceased to exist in the nineties: the soviet power
Thus, if you're seeking venture capital to start an ISP or a software development company in Tula, don't forget to mention samovar manufacturing in your business plan.
In North America, charcoal-burning samovars can be used exactly the same way we use them in Russia, except, perhaps, that you should warn each participant of the garden-party, preferably in written form, about the dangers of scalding themselves. Otherwise, some ignorant bastard might sue your pants off, should s/he touch the samovar in the wrong place.
Stuffology is the school of thought currently being brought forth in an attempt to correct metaphysics and ultimately explain every idea possible. Stuffology uses perfect logic in order to study an underlying idea called Everythingness, which is the hidden explanation of reality. Both Stuffology and Everythingness are named in an original manner that leaves the name free from any mental links that would taint the ideas immediately, but also in a manner that still describes the idea being represented.
A Short Introduction
The first full conception of the idea of Everythingness that is known to the author was some time in the year 2003, and since then Stuffology has emerged, bringing forth observations completely harmonious with all logic.
List of people who have not committed suicide
This is a list of famous people who have not committed suicide. People on the list have not committed suicide because either:
- They are still alive
- They are dead and have been killed not by their own deliberate actions.
People who have not committed suicide because they are still alive
- Sarah Jessica Parker- American actress
- Helen Clark- Prime Minister of New Zealand
- Princess Michael of Kent- British royality
- Barbara Bush- former First Lady
- Ben Affleck- actor
- Alan Greenspan
- Vladimir Putin- president of Russia
- Justin Hawkins- singer in The Darkness
- Naomi Campbell- supermodel
- Ricky Lake- chatshow host
- Rosemary West- serial killer
- Jason Allen Alexander- husband briefly to Britney Spears
- Cilla Black- British TV presenter
- Eric McCormack- Will from Will and Grace
- Steve Irwin- Auzzie reptile guru
People who have not committed suicide because they were killed by other people or in accidents, or by natural causes
- Diana- car crash
- Elizabeth, Queen consort of George VI- old age
- JFK- shot by gunman/men
- Uday Hussein- killed by American troops
- Jill Dando- BBC presenter, shot by gunman
- Aaliyah- plane crash
- Jesus- crucified by Romans
- William Wallace- hung drawn and quartered by the forces of Edward I of England
- Notorious BIG- shot in gangland war
- Colonel H Jones- shot dead in Falklands War
- Mussilini- hung by partisans
People who could be classed as committing suicide, or killed by others
- Some of the September 11 hijackers (those not in the cockpit).
People who self sacrificed, not necesserily suicide
- Buffy Summers- threw herself into the portal to save the world and her sister, Dawn Summers
- The pilot in Air Force One movie who moved his plane in front of a missile to save the President.
- Crew and passengers of United Airlines Flight 93
- Hitler - saved the Allies the cost and time of a war crimes trial
From... a teacher,
Name has been removed because we're nice like that, and it's funny without. We shall know this guy only as Mr E (as in mystery, geddit?)
Mr E is a Canadian High School teacher currently teaching in a Random High School with the Physics Department.
As a Teacher
As a teacher, E exhibits a high degree of technical competency, delivering his lessons in a manner which is both informative and entertaining, in a boring sort of way. His lectures are far from perfect, however. Most notably, E seems to suffer from some sort of disease, the main symptom of which is apparently the loss of the ability to write legibly. As can be imagined, this creates quite a situation for his students, who, while trying to decipher the cryptic scratchings on the board, must also try and understand difficult physics concepts. Although E does his best to help the students in this regard, many who have long since completed his class are still trying to understand how two parallel lines can intersect.
Because of his clockwork like efficiency and intimidating British accent, E carries a lot of respect among his students. However, since this respect is often earned mainly due to the fact that most people are terrified of the man, its effect is limited.
Tests written by Mr E are to be avoided at all costs, as they are incredibly difficult. Additionally, they are often full of ambiguities that often result in students loosing 10-20% of their marks because of the possibility for an alternate, or several alternate, answers.
As a Critic
David often criticizes ambiguous naming schemes in physics such as 'binding energy' should actually be referred to as 'escape energy'.
In addition to his criticism on physics, he often criticizes fellow teacher although in his heart he deeply respects every one of them.
E is an ongoing advocate against cable television as he made his own satellite dish to receive sub-par programming.
Although with a Math degree, E often jokes about Math teachers and how there is nothing 'fun' about Math. He often proclaims physics as "Physics is Phun".
There have been conspiracies regarding Mr E's connections to the stores Home Hardware, Home Depot, Staples, and Black's to make students waste a huge amount of currency. It is rumored that David made his so-called "Performance Tasks" with associates from the aforementioned stores to maximize the amount of money the student(s) are required to make their so-called "projects".
Overall, E is a fine person with a very sick sense of humor. He takes pride in his students' achievements but lacks the initiative to aid student-run clubs such as "Physics Club" set up by a random student.